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Burning Man Safety Precautions Added

August 31, 2007

Black Rock Desert, NV (Scribble Duck) - The Burning Man festival, held each year in the Nevada Desert was disrupted by the early ignition of the centerpiece of the festival itself, The Burning Man. The structure was lit on fire early, but was able to be put out before it was a complete loss.

In order to prevent the early ignition of The Burning Man in the future, precautions have been taken. "We've thought this one out", said Ernie Slacker. "After we got the fire under control, we decided on the best way to prevent it from happening again. We've brought in some specially treated lumber, and one of the guys had mixed up some special fire retardent chemicals using some old bones and cactus we found in the desert. We treated the whole structure. That won't be happening again, you can bet on that!"

Miss Teen South Carolina Named First Congressional Spokesperson

August 30, 2007


Washington, DC (Scribble Duck) - After enormous response from the internet, Miss Teen South Carolina has been named as the first spokesperson for Congress. In a rare instance of bipartisanship, Democrats and Republicans united in approving the appointment.

A congressional staffer, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, "You've seen some of the people out there talking about our issues lately. It's been embarrassing. I think she'll bring exactly the kind of plausible deniability that both house of congress have needed. Plus, it'll be a welcome change for the people behind the cameras. I mean, have you seen some of the people in congress we've got these days? Woof! It's got to be tough on them."

FLASH: Retailers in Another Lead Paint Recall

August 30, 2007

Washington, D.C. (Scribble Duck) - Retailers nationwide have issued a recall for lead paint after discovering it contains lead paint. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokeswoman Doris Truffle says, "We've contacted all the major retailers, and they've agreed to remove the paint from their shelves. We're working closely to identify the products involved."

The CPSC says that if you purchased paint within the last few year, you should check the label for large letters that read: "WARNING: LEAD PAINT". "If the ingredients on the Nutrition Facts label of the paint say 'Lead', that's a giveaway too", says Truffle. "The Recommended Daily Serving for Lead has been 0% since the 1960s. We're still trying to get the word out."

Cause of Global Warming Found

August 30, 2007

Bootbinder, MN (Scribble Duck) - Scientists have tracked down the cause of global warming to the small town of Bootbinder, Minnesota: Grady Doofwelder. "I'm embarassed", said Doofwelder. "I had been coming up here to the cabin for twenty years. I haven't been back in the last couple of years because I've been busy at work. Well, it turns out that the last time I was up here, I left the heat going, and I left one of the windows open. I'm so embarrassed."

Scientists finally tracked down the source of the warmth through a bit of luck. "We've been studying this for years", says Dudley Branstof, Chief Scientists for the Search For Global Warming causes. "At first we thought it was carbon emissions, then we thought it was cow flatulence... One night I was looking at some satellite pictures of the US, and I noticed a bright red glow in the middle of Minnesota. We went to investigate, and we found Mr. Doofwelder's cabin."

Doofwelder promises to be sure to watch his cabin more closely now. "You can bet I won't let THAT happen again", says a repentant Doofwelder. "I am going to have a hard time explaining this utility bill to the Mrs."

Clinton To Return Funds from Donor With Outstanding Warrant

August 29, 2007

Washington, D.C. (Scribble Duck) - Hillary Clinton's campaign has revealed that $23,000 in funds from a donor with an outstanding warrant will be returned. "At first", said a campaign spokesman, "we were thrilled that someone outstanding was contributing to the campaign. Later on, someone told us what a 'warrant' was, and boy, were we surprised! So, of course, we gave back the money right away."

Yesterday it was alleged that six members of a family in San Francisco has contributed over $200,000 to the Clinton campaign since 2005, despite living in a small home that was recently re-financed for $270,000. The home is at the same address as the fugitive donor. A Clinton campaign spokesman said, "I'm sure these two things aren't related at all. I know lots of people that live at the same address and never even talk to each other. They're probably just really, really good coupon clippers."

Leona Hemsley's Dog Gets $12 million, Vows To Carry On

August 29, 2007

New York, NY (Scribble Duck) - Leona Helmsley, the so-called "Queen of Mean", has left her dog, Trouble, $12 million in her will. Her two grandchildren, will receive nothing. Trouble was Helmsley's constant companion during the last years of her life.

Asked for a comment on this surprising development, Trouble vows to carry on Leona's tradition. "There are a few uppity Pekingese that are down the hall from us and have bothered me for years. I plan on kicking them out as soon as I can." When asked about the amount of taxes that the sudden windfall will likely bring, Trouble responded, "Only little dogs pay taxes. I'm not worried about jail time. I've spent time in some of the worst kennels in New York, and I know how to take care of myself."